Swings and roundabouts

Another day, another dollar as the saying goes. Today has been from almost one extreme to the other as meetings have come and gone, surprising facts learned about colleagues and their beliefs in the workplace and some downright stunning revelations about others within the professional sphere, and not necessarily in a good sense.

Nonetheless, the day has come and gone, the children have enjoyed playing in the sunshine, and I've even managed to get some washing dried on the washing line. Sunny mornings, with birds singing in the trees, the cat playing with bits of grass in the garden, all these simple things help set you up for a more positive day from the outset. Even when at the end of the working day you're greeted by hyperactive children who suddenly forget how to do what they're asked, a bit of sunshine makes such a difference!

It's only now as the day draws to a close and I finally sit down without being asked about this budget or being nagged for a biscuit, that I am even beginning to process the day. This morning was peaceful, and calm, the boys having stayed with their dad last night. The end of the day has been more chaotic, stretching my patience to near breaking point.

I've become far more self aware of late, both in terms of how I work and think in that environment, and on personal level too, understanding why I've done certain things, what it is I now want and need from my life. Several things have come together in both 'worlds' recently to help me with this, and support me in developing these different sides of me. Business coaching and personal counselling - similar in many ways and at almost complete opposites in others - has given me an opportunity to stand back and take stock and review situations from different angles.

Having previously in my 'old' life been quite cynical of things such as meditation, I have also recently started on a series of 'mindfulness' classes, and for the month of May signed up to an Australian campaign to 'Meditate in May' (it's also supporting a charitable campaign to provide clean drinking water in countries where this is not available). Yes, finding time to undertake this kind of process is a challenge, but I have learnt (mostly the hard way) that taking time out to 'be kind to me' is vitally important. If I am not able to function at a sensible level, my children suffer, my work suffers and I end up in a vicious downward spiral that will usually culminate in my sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen, trying desperately to work out what I am supposed to do next. I kid you not. When the 'black dog' of depression walks in, sensible logical thought processes become almost impossible.

It wasn't until I understood that depression is a real, legitimate and at times debilitating experience that I fully appreciated how much 'helpful' comments like 'just snap out of it', 'cheer up, it's not that bad' and similar are in fact anything but helpful. When you are already criticising yourself for being 'useless', comments like 'pull yourself together' just add to the negative self talk - you know that you should be doing that, and getting on with things, but you quite simply can't. The messages from one bit of the brain to another don't connect properly, and whilst somewhere within you know there should be something happening and changing, it just doesn't for that period of time, whether its a few hours, or a few days.

Today has in the main been a good day, despite the challenges thrown in to liven things up. I've been jumping from the roundabout to the swing, and flying high on the upward line of that swing. Tomorrow will I hope continue to be a 'good' day, bringing with it the childlike buzz of playing on the swings and roundabouts in the sunlight park. Now however I'm off to listen to my meditation email!