After recovering somewhat with lots of tea, and some gentle if tedious housework, Saturday afternoon, with the beautiful warm sunshine, led into Saturday evening, and another night out, this one planned, as an early birthday celebration for a friend. Sixteen of us went out for dinner together, although by the end of the night the number had diminished to a foolhardy four, nonetheless a good time was once again had by all. During the course of the evening, I also learned that a good friend had welcomed his baby daughter into the world, a month early and at a tiny 3lb 9oz, but at time of writing, all concerned are doing well.
Today carried on with the birthday celebrations, as birthday girl and I went to be guinea pigs for a nail salon that also provides training. Some three or so hours later, we both have very nicely manicured nails (very girly!) and it didn't cost a penny. It was quite entertaining watching my friend move through the stages of her hangover whilst we were there, whilst also overcoming her nervousness of having a manicure and more importantly for her, having her nails filed.
It's been an interesting time too. My friend and I both have a great deal in common in terms of where we are in our personal lives - both separated comparatively recently, both dealing with depression, both looking to better ourselves. The celebration of her birthday has been a milestone for her, as her son also shares her birthday and as such for the last 13 years, she has not had a birthday, choosing instead to focus on him. She will be taking him out for dinner on their birthday proper, so this year she has had the best of both.
Birthdays and similar milestones stir up emotions when you least expect it. The high of celebration, and yes the associated drinking, bring a great amount of 'feel good' with them, but as the fatigue catches up with you, and the hangover moves on, the 'low' that hits is pretty bleak. My emotions have resembled a roller coaster this weekend - partly due to hormonal stuff (oh joy......) which tends to make me more sensitive anyway, but also through having to face up to a few things too. Sensible, logical, rational thought says one thing, what the heart feels can be something else. It's hard to let go of the strength of an emotion, even when you know that logic, circumstance and whatever else rational thought says is correct. Time is a healer, and I know that it will take care of most things for me, but that it's also ok for me to 'grieve' for those dreams and wishes that would never in a million of years have come true. Am I mad? No. Just human. A caring, compassionate, loving one, who wears my heart on my sleeve at times, and wants the best for those that matter to me, even if that means my heart bears the pain. Three different lives that have intertwined with mine have all brought things back to me this weekend, whether from many miles away, or stood right in front of me.
I will cope, I'll bounce back again, tomorrow will be another fresh start when the facade will be back in place, patched and perhaps a little closer to the actress beneath it as the two different sides take another step closer. Depression is a hard master, bringing unexpected challenges and circumstances, and logic doesn't get a look in. It sometimes makes you feel as though you're detached from the reality of everything, standing on the outside looking in, able to see and hear all that is happening, but not be a part of it. It's a transient phase, and fortunately for me doesn't tend to last long either, but the day or so it does stay around leaves me feeling a bit 'lost'.
After the party it's time to go home to the familiar, the warmth of my bed, the soft purr of the cat.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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