I'm not sure that the beginning is the right place, and neither is the end, as I'm not there yet. So maybe I'll just start with where I am now.
And where is that? At this particular moment in time, physically, it would be sat on the sofa, tv showing a rerun of something or other in the corner, children asleep upstairs, and something resembling peace, if not calm and tidy, slowly settling on the place.
There's not much different in that to thousands of other homes up and down the country right now. My day has probably been much the same as many others too - got up, breakfast, bundle eldest children off to school, youngest to relatives, head into work, and so on.........
Sometimes though, it's a wonder that any of that happens. The last 12 months or so have brought a broad spectrum of changes in my life, and indeed in those of my children and others around them and me. Last January (2012) I returned to work part time (4 days a week) after being a stay at home mother (although working as a part time council clerk, and as a partner in a small family business). In May of that year, I jumped from being a fairly junior member of staff to a full time managerial post. July saw my husband and I separate, and the changes that brought for the children. November, he moved in with his new partner. Various things in my personal life around that time also came to a head, and by the middle of the month I'd finally admitted to myself, and a couple of close friends that I couldn't cope.
Since then........ Antidepressant tablets help take the edge off the day, counselling (though slow in arriving) has helped a great deal. I am making progress, there are more good days than dark days, and the dark days are no longer suffocating when they do come.
How many people know about the pills, the counselling, the horrible ups and downs of my living life through the cycles of depression? Probably about half a dozen. Not even my parents know.
Depression and the associated label of mental illness carries a stigma with it that does nothing to help or support those trying to function on a day to day basis. On the odd occasion I have disclosed my diagnosis it's been met with disbelief. "You? Really?! But you seem so in control!"
That's because I have to. I have a full time, challenging, demanding but thoroughly enjoyable job. I have three beautiful, challenging, demanding but very loving young children (all boys, aged 7 and under) who I am primary carer and provider for (though fortunately the relationship with their Dad is amicable and he has regular contact with them, giving me some 'down time' too).
It's all about facets, faces, facades. The external projection serves multiple purposes - creates an image of being in control, of knowing what you're doing, of being capable. It also provides a cover under which to hide the chaos that is really going on inside - the continual argument with yourself about whether or not you are good enough, or right, or indeed capable, a place to hide away the person who sometimes feels like a child, a bit lost and far from home, wondering what will happen next. Only those close, and really close at that, notice that the external image doesn't always match up with the person inside, underneath. The facets and faces of a diamond reflect the light and make it appear to shine brightly....... The facets and faces I project create a facade that shines bright - it's the work going on underneath to join it all up again that remains unseen, dimly lit until the light shines through again.
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