Milestones, madness and more

Yesterday marked the anniversary of my husband and I getting together - 9 years ago. Having ignored our wedding anniversary last year on the grounds of our having separated some months prior, I'd assumed that a similar stance would be taken regarding this date too. So when having text to enquire about arrangements for the boys this week, I was somewhat surprised when he wished me a happy anniversary. I was rather more surprised when, for reasons I've still not fathomed, I went and looked at his Facebook profile and he had an anniversary date on there for his 'in a relationship' status (which I did know about) as a date when we were still together. I haven't asked whether this is true, or something that can be attributed to an error ......... In many ways I'm not that concerned about whether it is or isn't true, he's happy, I am happier not living with him, but it was still a bit of an unexpected moment along with being wished happy anniversary!

Today has seen a totally crazy day, going from one meeting to another and then another with barely a breather in between. It is also a year to the day since I was told I'd been successful at interview for my current job, and that time has flown. I love the job, and the variety and challenges it brings, even the frustrations, and I am now starting to see things come to fruition after slow starts. However it has also been a long day, after being awake since 4.30am thanks to my youngest son, who settled back to sleep when my alarm went off! Since getting home, I have also had to discuss childcare with the boys dad after his mother, and apparently mine, picked up enrolment forms to register the youngest with the school playgroup. I understand the logic behind it, and to be fair to him, he phoned me first to discuss it and I explained what the current situation is. I am awaiting a further call with an update on it.......

Don't get me wrong, it's good that there are others looking out for the boys and I appreciate that, but I don't appreciate being left out of decisions as to what happens to them, and as such I am grateful for the conversation this evening. However on top of a long day today, an emotionally challenging one yesterday and a general tiredness for various reasons, I feel very much as though I am on a knife edge at the moment.

It's a fine line between maintaining a tight grip on things and staying in control, and that grip becoming too tight to the point where the darkness that is hovering around the edges at present takes over and smothers me. I'm not at the lowest point I've ever been at, but it's getting close, and that little voice inside that says 'you can do it, you'll get through it' is faltering. It's almost as if there is a second voice that is saying 'give up, let go, let the dark take over' and it's a frightening place to be. I know that, somehow, I will get through this phase, and that the fact I am so tired at present is contributing to it, but it is a fine line, and a fragile one. There are few people I can talk to, and it's an awkward one too in some respects as I am conscious of not wanting to take up someone else's time moaning on about stuff that is probably quite insignificant but for me right now is anything but. That in itself is also hard to handle as pre diagnosis I was very much in control of things and able to tackle anything and everything without 'wobbling' and generally falling apart.

Depression truly is a living nightmare. The constant battling with yourself because even in the dark days there's still a tiny part of you that criticises and says 'you can get over this, why are you being so weak?' It's hard, lonely, a dark and soulless place where nothing makes sense and there's no obvious way out. I am 'lucky' in that my symptoms aren't all that severe, but still, I've been in really dark places, almost incapable of seeing beyond that moment, unable to see life beyond the darkness. I have three beautiful children who unknowingly have and continue to be my saving grace, although they too can bring challenges and test my limits and capability.

Nonetheless, in amongst the madness, there are milestones that have been reached. I've completed a year in post, and moved up the ranks in terms of how long my predecessors have remained in the post. I've achieved things personally and professionally in that time that I would never have dreamed of either, and both lost and found myself. There is more madness to come I am sure, and most definitely more milestones to mark too. One small step at a time, one small step at a time.

Reaching out

Today has been a varied, busy and sunny day, if a little warm at times, not that I mind that, as it is great to see the sunshine! 

As ever there's been the usual range of mind exploding ideas bouncing in and out from one place to another, and several of them may get picked up and processed, turned into reality, whilst others may get parked up for a while until a more appropriate time arrives or the idea grows into something bigger. It makes the day varied, and keeps things from growing 'stale'.

Meanwhile under the surface of the calm, professional exterior, the usual madness and mayhem continues. To be fair, for me today has in the main been pretty good. My anger at someone has calmed a little, although it is still there, but shifting more to annoyance with myself for letting someone else play mind games with my head so much. I do however realise that it is not me in the 'wrong' and that I am not the person that I have been made out to be. The person making those accusations and assumptions about me does not know the true and real me, and has refused to attempt to do so. It is not my job to change me to fit with them. I am blessed to have other friends however that have helped me see the truth of the situation.

I continue to come to terms with feelings around others, but it is a positive thing, emotions settling and soothing, the genuine warmth of a platonic affection taking over. This evening however has been more about helping out another friend, who has had a tough day as her journey and life continues on in a new situation and set up. The damage caused in the past by others towards her has resurfaced and opened up healing scars again, but being able to talk it through and take a more objective view has helped and as the conversation progressed, a calmer and more settled feeling became evident. 

It's funny how sometimes I find myself able to help and support another and yet not be able to see my own path. We are all good at that though in one way or another. Good friends have helped me to get through tough times, whilst also facing their own demons, and today I've been able to do that in return. It's just a case of being close enough and tuned in enough to know when someone is reaching out for help, even if they can't see it themselves.

After the party.......

It has, to be fair, been a very good weekend by and large. Friday night saw an impromptu night out with a friend, which led to a fair amount of alcohol being consumed, some distinctly dodgy dancing in an equally dodgy nightclub, a couple of interesting bruises as a result of slipping on said dodgy nightclub's distinctly unpleasant dance floor, and something of a hangover Saturday morning.

After recovering somewhat with lots of tea, and some gentle if tedious housework, Saturday afternoon, with the beautiful warm sunshine, led into Saturday evening, and another night out, this one planned, as an early birthday celebration for a friend. Sixteen of us went out for dinner together, although by the end of the night the number had diminished to a foolhardy four, nonetheless a good time was once again had by all. During the course of the evening, I also learned that a good friend had welcomed his baby daughter into the world, a month early and at a tiny 3lb 9oz, but at time of writing, all concerned are doing well.

Today carried on with the birthday celebrations, as birthday girl and I went to be guinea pigs for a nail salon that also provides training. Some three or so hours later, we both have very nicely manicured nails (very girly!) and it didn't cost a penny. It was quite entertaining watching my friend move through the stages of her hangover whilst we were there, whilst also overcoming her nervousness of having a manicure and more importantly for her, having her nails filed.

It's been an interesting time too. My friend and I both have a great deal in common in terms of where we are in our personal lives - both separated comparatively recently, both dealing with depression, both looking to better ourselves. The celebration of her birthday has been a milestone for her, as her son also shares her birthday and as such for the last 13 years, she has not had a birthday, choosing instead to focus on him. She will be taking him out for dinner on their birthday proper, so this year she has had the best of both.

Birthdays and similar milestones stir up emotions when you least expect it. The high of celebration, and yes the associated drinking, bring a great amount of 'feel good' with them, but as the fatigue catches up with you, and the hangover moves on, the 'low' that hits is pretty bleak. My emotions have resembled a roller coaster this weekend - partly due to hormonal stuff (oh joy......) which tends to make me more sensitive anyway, but also through having to face up to a few things too. Sensible, logical, rational thought says one thing, what the heart feels can be something else. It's hard to let go of the strength of an emotion, even when you know that logic, circumstance and whatever else rational thought says is correct. Time is a healer, and I know that it will take care of most things for me, but that it's also ok for me to 'grieve' for those dreams and wishes that would never in a million of years have come true. Am I mad? No. Just human. A caring, compassionate, loving one, who wears my heart on my sleeve at times, and wants the best for those that matter to me, even if that means my heart bears the pain. Three different lives that have intertwined with mine have all brought things back to me this weekend, whether from many miles away, or stood right in front of me.

I will cope, I'll bounce back again, tomorrow will be another fresh start when the facade will be back in place, patched and perhaps a little closer to the actress beneath it as the two different sides take another step closer. Depression is a hard master, bringing unexpected challenges and circumstances, and logic doesn't get a look in. It sometimes makes you feel as though you're detached from the reality of everything, standing on the outside looking in, able to see and hear all that is happening, but not be a part of it. It's a transient phase, and fortunately for me doesn't tend to last long either, but the day or so it does stay around leaves me feeling a bit 'lost'.

After the party it's time to go home to the familiar, the warmth of my bed, the soft purr of the cat.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Swings and roundabouts

Another day, another dollar as the saying goes. Today has been from almost one extreme to the other as meetings have come and gone, surprising facts learned about colleagues and their beliefs in the workplace and some downright stunning revelations about others within the professional sphere, and not necessarily in a good sense.

Nonetheless, the day has come and gone, the children have enjoyed playing in the sunshine, and I've even managed to get some washing dried on the washing line. Sunny mornings, with birds singing in the trees, the cat playing with bits of grass in the garden, all these simple things help set you up for a more positive day from the outset. Even when at the end of the working day you're greeted by hyperactive children who suddenly forget how to do what they're asked, a bit of sunshine makes such a difference!

It's only now as the day draws to a close and I finally sit down without being asked about this budget or being nagged for a biscuit, that I am even beginning to process the day. This morning was peaceful, and calm, the boys having stayed with their dad last night. The end of the day has been more chaotic, stretching my patience to near breaking point.

I've become far more self aware of late, both in terms of how I work and think in that environment, and on personal level too, understanding why I've done certain things, what it is I now want and need from my life. Several things have come together in both 'worlds' recently to help me with this, and support me in developing these different sides of me. Business coaching and personal counselling - similar in many ways and at almost complete opposites in others - has given me an opportunity to stand back and take stock and review situations from different angles.

Having previously in my 'old' life been quite cynical of things such as meditation, I have also recently started on a series of 'mindfulness' classes, and for the month of May signed up to an Australian campaign to 'Meditate in May' (it's also supporting a charitable campaign to provide clean drinking water in countries where this is not available). Yes, finding time to undertake this kind of process is a challenge, but I have learnt (mostly the hard way) that taking time out to 'be kind to me' is vitally important. If I am not able to function at a sensible level, my children suffer, my work suffers and I end up in a vicious downward spiral that will usually culminate in my sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen, trying desperately to work out what I am supposed to do next. I kid you not. When the 'black dog' of depression walks in, sensible logical thought processes become almost impossible.

It wasn't until I understood that depression is a real, legitimate and at times debilitating experience that I fully appreciated how much 'helpful' comments like 'just snap out of it', 'cheer up, it's not that bad' and similar are in fact anything but helpful. When you are already criticising yourself for being 'useless', comments like 'pull yourself together' just add to the negative self talk - you know that you should be doing that, and getting on with things, but you quite simply can't. The messages from one bit of the brain to another don't connect properly, and whilst somewhere within you know there should be something happening and changing, it just doesn't for that period of time, whether its a few hours, or a few days.

Today has in the main been a good day, despite the challenges thrown in to liven things up. I've been jumping from the roundabout to the swing, and flying high on the upward line of that swing. Tomorrow will I hope continue to be a 'good' day, bringing with it the childlike buzz of playing on the swings and roundabouts in the sunlight park. Now however I'm off to listen to my meditation email!

Facets, faces, facades

Where to begin?

I'm not sure that the beginning is the right place, and neither is the end, as I'm not there yet. So maybe I'll just start with where I am now.

And where is that? At this particular moment in time, physically, it would be sat on the sofa, tv showing a rerun of something or other in the corner, children asleep upstairs, and something resembling peace, if not calm and tidy, slowly settling on the place.

There's not much different in that to thousands of other homes up and down the country right now. My day has probably been much the same as many others too - got up, breakfast, bundle eldest children off to school, youngest to relatives, head into work, and so on.........

Sometimes though, it's a wonder that any of that happens. The last 12 months or so have brought a broad spectrum of changes in my life, and indeed in those of my children and others around them and me. Last January (2012) I returned to work part time (4 days a week) after being a stay at home mother (although working as a part time council clerk, and as a partner in a small family business). In May of that year, I jumped from being a fairly junior member of staff to a full time managerial post. July saw my husband and I separate, and the changes that brought for the children. November, he moved in with his new partner. Various things in my personal life around that time also came to a head, and by the middle of the month I'd finally admitted to myself, and a couple of close friends that I couldn't cope.

Since then........ Antidepressant tablets help take the edge off the day, counselling (though slow in arriving) has helped a great deal. I am making progress, there are more good days than dark days, and the dark days are no longer suffocating when they do come.

How many people know about the pills, the counselling, the horrible ups and downs of my living life through the cycles of depression? Probably about half a dozen. Not even my parents know.

Depression and the associated label of mental illness carries a stigma with it that does nothing to help or support those trying to function on a day to day basis. On the odd occasion I have disclosed my diagnosis it's been met with disbelief. "You? Really?! But you seem so in control!"

That's because I have to. I have a full time, challenging, demanding but thoroughly enjoyable job. I have three beautiful, challenging, demanding but very loving young children (all boys, aged 7 and under) who I am primary carer and provider for (though fortunately the relationship with their Dad is amicable and he has regular contact with them, giving me some 'down time' too).

It's all about facets, faces, facades. The external projection serves multiple purposes - creates an image of being in control, of knowing what you're doing, of being capable. It also provides a cover under which to hide the chaos that is really going on inside - the continual argument with yourself about whether or not you are good enough, or right, or indeed capable, a place to hide away the person who sometimes feels like a child, a bit lost and far from home, wondering what will happen next. Only those close, and really close at that, notice that the external image doesn't always match up with the person inside, underneath. The facets and faces of a diamond reflect the light and make it appear to shine brightly....... The facets and faces I project create a facade that shines bright - it's the work going on underneath to join it all up again that remains unseen, dimly lit until the light shines through again.